Jokes

England. London. Two American tourists’ women are standing on the square. One of them is telling to the other one with a voice full of disappointment and frustration:
- Oh… I didn’t know that Big Ben is a clock…


Director of the factory checking the report asks his secretary,
- How many zeros are in one million?
- Six!
- And in half million?
- Three!


Husband and wife went to bed. Husband:
- So what, let’s sleep?
- First “so what” and then sleep!


Completely drunk anesthesiologist comes into operation theatre and tries to make anesthesiology to the patien:
- Doctor! You are drunk!
- I am drunk? AM I? You haven’t seen yet the surgeon!


Restaurant. Angry customer,
- Do you think I an going to eat this shit? Call your manager!
- It’s useless, Sir. He also will not eat this!


A drunk man wants to get to the hotel. He took a taxi. During the way a driver saw that he is taking off his clothes.
- What’s happened to you! You are not yet in the hotel.
- WWWhat? Couldn’t you say this to me before? I have just taken off my shoes before the door…


The question to a French man:
- Do you like children?
- …No… But the process…


- What is higher than love?
- Navel…


A soldier and the lieutenant:
- Sir, your order is fulfilled, Sir!
- But I didn’t give any order…
- Sir, I haven’t done anything, Sir!


A lecture about harm of the alcohol.
Except destroying your health, alcohol may destroy your life. There were so many cases registered when wife left her husband because he drank too much!
A voice from the hall,
- And how much one should drink for that?


- Papa , I decided to marry.
- Good, sonny, but remember family replaces everything. That is why before marrying think over what is more important for you everything or marriage.


During interview a client is asked questions:
- Marital status?
- Unbearable.


A man meets his friend who keeps his hand over his chick.
- What’s happened?
- Doctor extracted my two teeth.
- But in the morning you told me you have problem with one tooth?
- Yes, but the doctor didn’t have a change…


The wife to her husband:
- I could not imagine that Mr. Somson is so much ill-mannered! Yesterday I talked to him about 10 minutes and he yawned about 5 times within this time!
- Dear, he did not yawn, he just tried to say something.


In the shop:
- Do you have an extension?
- Extension of what?


Somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says, "Say, your head feels just like my wife's ass." The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin, "You know, you're right!"


The chef to his secretary:
- This letter is very important. Place it near your nail polish.


Son informs his father:
- Pa, I am going to get married.
- To whom?
- To Peter.
- But he is a boy!
- A boy???!!! He is 28 years old!


A boy asks,
- Mama, do all the tales start with “Once upon a time…”?
- No, sonny, sometimes they start with “Dear, today I have a meeting in my office and will come home late”.


Two friends met in the park.
- I have two women in the car, let’s go somewhere and have a good time with them.
- Do they look nice?
- All women look nice if you drink well!
His friend looked into the car:
- Oh no, I can’t drink that much!


- Is it possible to rape woman in the street?
- No, the passers-by will distract you giving their advice!


- Mama, why there is no hair on father’s head?
- Because he is clever and thinks much.
- Oh! Why then do you have so much hair?
- Stop talking and eat!


In the hotel of Muslim country:
- If you do not prove me that she is your wife, I will not be able to lodge you in one room.
- And if you prove me that she is not my wife I will be thankful to you till my last day!


In the café:
- Please, give me that cake.
- Ok, and into how many pieces should I cut it, into 12?
- Oh, no! Cut it into 4, I can’t eat so many!


Businessman asks his son:
- How are things in school, sonny?
- Excellent! The contract with class 5 is extended for one more year!


- Could you lend your friend $100?
- Of course, I could, but I don’t have friends!




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