Jokes

The truck ran into the horse cart. The truck ran away, the horse was lying on the road in agony and the cart driver was thrown into bushes. Police arrived, seeing the horse in death agony, policeman took out his pistol and shot into the horse ear. The horse stopped moving. Then he saw the man lying in the bushes, “How are you feeling?” The driver jumped up, “ Don’t worry, Sir! I feel well, even better than before the accident”.


A Jew asks his rabbi,
- Can a Jew have sex with his wife during fast?
- Yes, replied Rabbi.
- And with someone’s wife?
- No!
- Why?
- It is written very clearly in Torah that during fast a Jew should not get pleasure.


A girl is going to celebrate her birthday. She asks her boyfriend,
- What will be your gift to me?
- I’ll f**k you.
- Insolent! And if I refuse?
- Then you will be without gift.


Doctor to the patient,
- You are losing your hearing. To slow down this process you should give up smoking, stop taking alcohol and stop having sex with different women.
- … All this is just to make my hearing a bit better?


- I love you! –the Englishmen say.
- Te amo… say the Spaniards.
- And only French silently do their work…


Two alpinists (climbers) are falling down into the abyss.
Pessimist:
- Falling!
Optimist:
- Flying!


-Imagine that your computer has broken! What are you going to do?
No, TV also broke – such things happen in the life…What would you do?
Suppose you don’t have either wife or a girlfriend! And you don’t have money to go somewhere to pick one. Then? What would you do then?
No, you can’t buy beer or whisky – I said you don’t have money!
Yes, all your friends are busy at that time! No, your radio is also out of order!
Oh! At last you understand how important role the books play in your life!


The man is dying:
- After my death you will give my car to the son.
- Better to daughter.
- No, to the son, I said!
- Much better to the daughter!
- Who of us is dying you or me?


- Waiter, why does this crawfish has one claw?
- He fought with another one while they were in the bowl.
- Give me the winner!


- Please, two tickets for me and my wife for a trip round Europe.
- In one or different cabins?
- If possible in different ships, please…


- Daughter, you have grown up already, it’s time to talk with you about sex.
- All right, papa. What would you like to know?


Two women met:
- You said you went to the theatre with your lover? What was on there?
- Tragicomedy! We met my husband! He was also with his lover…


- Chef, why aren’t you happy with your secretary? She guesses all of your desires!
- Yes, but she never fulfills them!


Husband comes home and sees his wife in bed with her lover.
Husband: What are you both doing here?
Wife to her lover, "Didn’t I tell you that he is stupid? "


School. Lesson of physics. Teacher:
- All matter shrinks when temperature decreases. Your examples, please.
- In winter days are shorter!


The wife has come from cemetery after burying her husband. As soon as she came back home her lover asked her to make love. She:
- How can you even think about it now! I am all grief!
- I understand, but we’ll do it slowly and sadly.


The sticker on the car: "Is there life after death? Steal it and you will know!”


- You have seen that a stranger was beating you mother in law, haven't you? Why didn’t you hurry for help?”
- For help? Help a stranger to beat my mother-in-law?!



- Forget about pain in joints! Forget about you headaches! forget your problems! Now you have got me, your sclerosis!


Have you heard, the Eifel Tower in Paris will disappear tomorrow?
Who shows the trick? Copperfield?
No, Bin Laden.


Who says men don't remember anniversaries
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years"."I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"


Ad seen in the New York Times...
FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f#*#ing everything.




« Index of Gag Is Health
« 0001 jokes
» 0003 jokes